Two of my male friends brought up excellent points about this experiment I have been conducting. Here is a quote from my boy "O":
"I see it (dating) as part of the racket called "the materials economy" but that i like to call "the bar-fashion-hookup industrial complex". like the military-industrial complex and the prison-industrial complex, it has wormed its way into what is otherwise a very natural process (channeling our attraction for/repulsion from each other, meeting needs for physical excitement and enjoyment, finding short- and long-term partnership, and even-- dare i believe it-- big love) and turned it into an overly staged and insecurity-inducing mechanism that's almost engineered to make money for various allied industries-- including media, alcohol, tobacco, drugs (legal and otherwise), real estate, music, and fashion-- while keeping you, your friends, and the guys who would otherwise date you isolated from each other via a concocted, maze-like complex of "dos-and-don'ts." the cruel irony is that it's not engineered for your and my desire, and especially not for black positionality; it's geared toward creating a place for concentrated moneymaking a distraction from really tough political choices. and, for my money, it leaves out the spontaneous-- the very stuff of love-- and the kind of stuff that we need for healing."
In layman's terms this means dating is something created by society that instead of helping us, hinder us, and gives money to "The Man".
I have to say I do agree with parts of this but at the same time I feel as if it is also an easy way to get out of the whole dating scheme. I agree that the whole, guy has to pay for dinner and movies shpeal has been created by the dating gods and at times can help the economy more than the couple at hand. Also, the nightlife scene gives everyone anxiety since they are facing a possible sea of rejection. But if we don't get together how do we get to know a guy? How do we know how much he is willing to give of himself to a lady? Actions speak louder than words and the dating scene has pushed men to do more than just talk about what they are about.
Women enjoy attention and spontaneity. If men actually took the time to PLAN something different for a date with ladies they would save money and see the woman's true colors.
For example, today, my dread locked friend invited me to hang out with him in Philly. Here's the dialogue:
Dreads: You wanna hang out?
Me: Sure, what are we going to do?
Dreads: "What do you want to do?"
Me: "I do not know Philly so you pick something." (I was also thinking in my head, "dummy you are the one that invited me to come hang out with you.")
Dreads: "Ummmm we can chill and watch a movie".
I enjoy movies but the hell I am going to some man's house just to "chill". The translation of that statement is "let me get in your pants". I do not take offense to it, because he is a man and had his first taste of my chocolaty goodness and wants to see how much farther he can actually get.
Me: Movies aren't really my thing. Can you think of something else because I do not know Philly.
Dreads: Let me think about it and Ill call you back.
(One Hour Later)
Dreads: Maybe we can go get something to eat.
Me: Its such a beautiful day out today maybe we can do something outside. ( I said this to hopefully get his brain juices working to find something else)
Dreads:OK
By the time I reach Philly, 40minutes later, he still has no idea what to do. I refuse to open my mouth, because I gave him a unique experience as written in my last piece. He then says we can run up the steps of The Art Museum a la Rocky. Yes! He finally gets it. I don't need you to spend money on me, I need you to spend a rich experience with me.
We hop in his car and head towards downtown. We pass by Fairmount Park which looks ridiculously gorgeous and vast so I switch it up and say lets grab a blanket and some ice cream and chill here. Once again, I planned the date, but at least he got a step forward in the whole original dating thing.
So we went to the park, talked, ate ice cream, sunbathed, and took a walk along a gravel path. Gentleman, this is what ladies want. Something sweet, unique, simple and fun. You do not have to shell out a thousand dollars or create an extravagant night. We want you to plan the evening and make it special for the two of us. Its not that hard people.
So I do believe in dating and I believe that the idea that it has been warped to benefit "The Man" is true. But I also believe that men have warped it to this state because they refuse to step out of the box and go the extra mile to plan an original date. As for going out to find a lady and the anxiety it instills on all parties, well this happens regardless of whether you are at a bookstore, Laundromat, or bar. It just happens that nightspots have a large concentration of it because it is random people out on the town for a good time and adventure.
Monday, June 1, 2009
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A'ight Sista Yvonne. I see how you splitting the hair here. Part of it I'm buyin; part of it I'm not.
ReplyDeleteThank you for saying that a good planned date is something that we men need to learn to better step up and do.
But you bout made a grown man cry when you said this here:
if we don't get together how do we get to know a guy? How do we know how much he is willing to give of himself to a lady? Actions speak louder than words and the dating scene has pushed men to do more than just talk about what they are about.
Hol'up. You can't see what a guy's about in any other context but "the dating scene," which usually seems to mean a club right? where you know folk are *performing* anyway? How do you know when the performance has ended and the truth telling has begun? There is a spot (the club/restaurant/etc), there is an event (the Friday night)-- and all a guy has to do is shine on a night or two at that particular spot, and he's shown you enough of what he's about for you to go on a date?
I'm not fundamentally against clubs. They aint my cup of tea, but whatever. The problem I have is that, in my perception, they've become so automatic. "Want a woman/man? Go to a club!" Surely humankind found ways of meeting potential friends, fuckbuddies, and lifelong big loves before the advent of the club.
Say a guy's idea of fun on a Friday night is getting a group of his homies together with some shovels and compost to go secretly (and probably illegally) plant an organic garden in an abandoned lot in the hood so that folk have food during harvest and something pretty to look at the rest of the year. That guy ain't gonna even know about you if you automatically going to the club to look for him.
Maybe this is unavoidable. Maybe that club performance is like this initial audition, and date is like the callback.
Me-- I know I don't shine in the clubs. Can't dance. Don't dig drinking with folk I don't know. Get hoarse real easily. And can't stand a discussion that's "making good conversation." Don't dig PAYING for fun that I could have for the cost of a tank of gas by driving to a camp site and checking out the constellations while sipping on whatever I wanna sip on.
I'll summarize the rest of what I have to say in bullet points:
*Folks compartmentalize too much. Spontaneity, to me, means looking for something where no one else might think to look for it. Job=place for work; TV/Club/Disneyland/Movietheater=place for fun. This is the formula for modern life. ...zzzzzzzzzz...
*Clubs are so filled with norms that they are repressive environments. They are designed to make people LESS spontaneous and interesting, not MORE. (The more spontaneous you become, the less money you might realize you need to spend to become drunker, higher, look skinnier, look more prosperous, etc.)
*All clubs have pretty much the same drinks, and folk dress pretty much the same way (within certain "types" of course). And, to me and a lot of guys, women all look pretty much the same in them. Can't see good no way. Lights are too dim. Room's too smoky (except in Cali).
*The Sista Yvonne I know is waaay more adventurous than the sista I'm reading about at the clubs. I'm glad to see the art galleries and stuff. But does it always have to gravitate back toward the clubs? Hey, if it does, it does.
No it does not have to gravitate back towards clubs because there are a variety of spaces that myself and other women find themseleves at in order to seek out men. You will actually see that I have only tried meeting people at nightclubs twice for actual hunting and that I say that clubs do not work because people are out there for one thing. A quick bump and grind with minimal interaction.
ReplyDeleteI gravitate towards the bar scene and restaurants because it is the one place that society has created to find a mass of people who are generally single.
I would love to find a guy spontaneously at a volunteer sight, Barnes and Nobles, or Art Museum where we do not fall into paying to find the opposite sex. But can that happen with the snap of a finger? No. Check out my very first post where I talk about the frustration myself and the female population has had in finding men and what it is exactly that I am doing.
I go to bars/restaurants because its the one place a mass of singles are. I am open to finding men in other locations but I can not say that I am going hunting at a Barnes and Nobles. The only thing I will come back with is Steve Harvey's newest self help book.
Although I meet a guy at a bar/restaurant where some use their last pay check to put on a front for the night, you can tell plenty about a person from first impression. And it is the act of getting a guy to talk to me and getting out the pertinent information about themselves that tells more than the surface story and finding one worthy enough to recieve my phone number and a second meet up that I am about.
There are a variety of people attending bars/restaurants besides just the drinkers. I betcha my compost hood gardener is hitting up atleast one or two bars/ restaurants each month. In addition, Im there, so others of my caliber have to be too.
There are a variety of bars/restaurants to check out. You can not tell me that you would not have fallen in love with the idea of meeting people at an old school political hip-hop open radio show event that happened to be hosted at a local bar. I say this because not all nightlife spaces are the same. You can find the regular dive bar, upscale VIP cocktail bar, wine bar, jazz bar, blues bar, bar that hosts open mic or poetry events, theatre bar, and tons more. And my example of the radio show event is not a rare occurence. Things like this exist all over the place and are found by those who go out in the bar/restaurant scenes.
I agree these spaces may have the same "Types" but they are not all the same, do not have the same people, nor the same atmosphere.
The sistayvonne you are reading about is the woman who is putting herself out there in locations that host a mass of single men in order to report back my progress in evaluating how to find and get the best in any situation. If that also happens to be at an untraditional location, even better, but the likelyhood of me finding atleast one target while on tour of Philly's Liberty Bell is quite slim. So I shall stick to my variety of bars/restaurants in hopes of sifting through the variety of men to perfect my pick up skills and find something good.