So Single Ladies has been picked up by Examiner.com. I am now the National Pick Up Examiner. Check my articles at http://www.examiner.com/x-12807-Pick-Up-Examiner
Same stuff plus more.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Getting Stood Up
That is never a good feeling. Here are the sad, embarrassing details...
Jackie and I planned to go on a cabin trip this past weekend in Virginia. The plans were extremely shifty and flaky, as usual. I talk about Jackie in The Date and in This Is Why They Don't Call . Of course, I overlook the flakes and go with my emotions, after having a lovely evening together and wanting to do it again.
The cabin trip was to last from Friday through Sunday morning. I told Jackie I was going to go to VA on Thursday in order to visit WL#1. She lives in Northern VA, 3hours from my parents home in NJ and 4 hours from our cabin. A perfect halfway point and addition to my weekend adventure. I arrived at WL#1's home and we started evaluating Jackie's flaky actions. Here is what I had been dealing with:
1. Taking forever to book a cabin and then doing it the night before I leave.
2. Receiving text messages not pertaining to the cabin, but instead emotional commentary.
3. Late night phone calls.
4. A whole lot of talk and not enough action.
As I got into bed anxious for the following day I decided that this cabin trip would be the last thing I did with Jackie for good, because he was way too complicated for me. I believe that any bond you have with a person should be a give and take and not leave you wondering constantly about the status of the relationship.
I woke up at 7am and my sixth sense was punching me in the stomach. After stewing on all the possibilities for a few hours I finally got up to take a shower and hopefully wash away my worries. When I got out of the shower, I looked at my phone and saw that I had a series of text messages from Jackie. The accumulated messages stated that he was very sorry because he had to go to Tennessee for a last minute job interview for the position of Associate Dean of a University. He could not reschedule with them and felt bad about canceling our trip. He did not want to hear the disappointment in my voice so hence the text messages and he would call me right before the interview which was to be at 2pm.
WTF! Ladies, I felt like I had been left at the alter. 3 hours and $50 dollars worth of gas and tolls had been wasted on this piece of shit of a man. I texted back three words.
Lose My Number
I sat on WL#1's bed for 30minutes thinking about my next move. I beat myself up for falling so easily into the hands of a player and thought about how I was going to tell my readers. WL#1 was a saint. We sat and talked for another hour so I would be calm enough to drive 3 hours back to NJ. The weather mirrored my mood perfectly. Water aggressively hit my windshield and several cars lined the highway with tow trucks behind them. Then there was me, tightly gripping the steering wheel and replaying the week events and conversations with Jackey over and over in my head.
When I got home I talked to my mother and she told me to send an email so that he knows he can not do that to other friends. So I did. I have a problem with always trying to be nice to people. Well this time I let that go and let him have it. I still don't feel good. I am hurt, but of course I learned plenty from the situation.
1. Do not put your guard down too quickly. Even if they SEEM to really be a good person. Its events like these that make us not trust the opposite sex. So do not allow yourself to get into a situation where you ended up hating an entire gender because of one person's stupid and awful actions.
2. If the signs are there do not take them for granted. Just because the person says the right things, does not mean they will follow them up with action. A few examples: Texts throughout the day, phone calls late at night, never making plans, creating excuses for their actions or lack of action more than once.
3. Allow the opposite sex you are interested in plan the ENTIRE date or event to show that they are actually in for good. Once again actions speak louder than words. People must show FULL commitment within a situation.
I don't believe Jackey's Tennessee crap for an instant or anything else he told me in the course of these three weeks that we were in contact. Luckily, I still have a bit of faith in the male race. So Sistayvonne is on the prowl once more. Stay on the lookout.
Jackie and I planned to go on a cabin trip this past weekend in Virginia. The plans were extremely shifty and flaky, as usual. I talk about Jackie in The Date and in This Is Why They Don't Call . Of course, I overlook the flakes and go with my emotions, after having a lovely evening together and wanting to do it again.
The cabin trip was to last from Friday through Sunday morning. I told Jackie I was going to go to VA on Thursday in order to visit WL#1. She lives in Northern VA, 3hours from my parents home in NJ and 4 hours from our cabin. A perfect halfway point and addition to my weekend adventure. I arrived at WL#1's home and we started evaluating Jackie's flaky actions. Here is what I had been dealing with:
1. Taking forever to book a cabin and then doing it the night before I leave.
2. Receiving text messages not pertaining to the cabin, but instead emotional commentary.
3. Late night phone calls.
4. A whole lot of talk and not enough action.
As I got into bed anxious for the following day I decided that this cabin trip would be the last thing I did with Jackie for good, because he was way too complicated for me. I believe that any bond you have with a person should be a give and take and not leave you wondering constantly about the status of the relationship.
I woke up at 7am and my sixth sense was punching me in the stomach. After stewing on all the possibilities for a few hours I finally got up to take a shower and hopefully wash away my worries. When I got out of the shower, I looked at my phone and saw that I had a series of text messages from Jackie. The accumulated messages stated that he was very sorry because he had to go to Tennessee for a last minute job interview for the position of Associate Dean of a University. He could not reschedule with them and felt bad about canceling our trip. He did not want to hear the disappointment in my voice so hence the text messages and he would call me right before the interview which was to be at 2pm.
WTF! Ladies, I felt like I had been left at the alter. 3 hours and $50 dollars worth of gas and tolls had been wasted on this piece of shit of a man. I texted back three words.
Lose My Number
I sat on WL#1's bed for 30minutes thinking about my next move. I beat myself up for falling so easily into the hands of a player and thought about how I was going to tell my readers. WL#1 was a saint. We sat and talked for another hour so I would be calm enough to drive 3 hours back to NJ. The weather mirrored my mood perfectly. Water aggressively hit my windshield and several cars lined the highway with tow trucks behind them. Then there was me, tightly gripping the steering wheel and replaying the week events and conversations with Jackey over and over in my head.
When I got home I talked to my mother and she told me to send an email so that he knows he can not do that to other friends. So I did. I have a problem with always trying to be nice to people. Well this time I let that go and let him have it. I still don't feel good. I am hurt, but of course I learned plenty from the situation.
1. Do not put your guard down too quickly. Even if they SEEM to really be a good person. Its events like these that make us not trust the opposite sex. So do not allow yourself to get into a situation where you ended up hating an entire gender because of one person's stupid and awful actions.
2. If the signs are there do not take them for granted. Just because the person says the right things, does not mean they will follow them up with action. A few examples: Texts throughout the day, phone calls late at night, never making plans, creating excuses for their actions or lack of action more than once.
3. Allow the opposite sex you are interested in plan the ENTIRE date or event to show that they are actually in for good. Once again actions speak louder than words. People must show FULL commitment within a situation.
I don't believe Jackey's Tennessee crap for an instant or anything else he told me in the course of these three weeks that we were in contact. Luckily, I still have a bit of faith in the male race. So Sistayvonne is on the prowl once more. Stay on the lookout.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Creativity in Dating: Tips for Men
Two of my male friends brought up excellent points about this experiment I have been conducting. Here is a quote from my boy "O":
"I see it (dating) as part of the racket called "the materials economy" but that i like to call "the bar-fashion-hookup industrial complex". like the military-industrial complex and the prison-industrial complex, it has wormed its way into what is otherwise a very natural process (channeling our attraction for/repulsion from each other, meeting needs for physical excitement and enjoyment, finding short- and long-term partnership, and even-- dare i believe it-- big love) and turned it into an overly staged and insecurity-inducing mechanism that's almost engineered to make money for various allied industries-- including media, alcohol, tobacco, drugs (legal and otherwise), real estate, music, and fashion-- while keeping you, your friends, and the guys who would otherwise date you isolated from each other via a concocted, maze-like complex of "dos-and-don'ts." the cruel irony is that it's not engineered for your and my desire, and especially not for black positionality; it's geared toward creating a place for concentrated moneymaking a distraction from really tough political choices. and, for my money, it leaves out the spontaneous-- the very stuff of love-- and the kind of stuff that we need for healing."
In layman's terms this means dating is something created by society that instead of helping us, hinder us, and gives money to "The Man".
I have to say I do agree with parts of this but at the same time I feel as if it is also an easy way to get out of the whole dating scheme. I agree that the whole, guy has to pay for dinner and movies shpeal has been created by the dating gods and at times can help the economy more than the couple at hand. Also, the nightlife scene gives everyone anxiety since they are facing a possible sea of rejection. But if we don't get together how do we get to know a guy? How do we know how much he is willing to give of himself to a lady? Actions speak louder than words and the dating scene has pushed men to do more than just talk about what they are about.
Women enjoy attention and spontaneity. If men actually took the time to PLAN something different for a date with ladies they would save money and see the woman's true colors.
For example, today, my dread locked friend invited me to hang out with him in Philly. Here's the dialogue:
Dreads: You wanna hang out?
Me: Sure, what are we going to do?
Dreads: "What do you want to do?"
Me: "I do not know Philly so you pick something." (I was also thinking in my head, "dummy you are the one that invited me to come hang out with you.")
Dreads: "Ummmm we can chill and watch a movie".
I enjoy movies but the hell I am going to some man's house just to "chill". The translation of that statement is "let me get in your pants". I do not take offense to it, because he is a man and had his first taste of my chocolaty goodness and wants to see how much farther he can actually get.
Me: Movies aren't really my thing. Can you think of something else because I do not know Philly.
Dreads: Let me think about it and Ill call you back.
(One Hour Later)
Dreads: Maybe we can go get something to eat.
Me: Its such a beautiful day out today maybe we can do something outside. ( I said this to hopefully get his brain juices working to find something else)
Dreads:OK
By the time I reach Philly, 40minutes later, he still has no idea what to do. I refuse to open my mouth, because I gave him a unique experience as written in my last piece. He then says we can run up the steps of The Art Museum a la Rocky. Yes! He finally gets it. I don't need you to spend money on me, I need you to spend a rich experience with me.
We hop in his car and head towards downtown. We pass by Fairmount Park which looks ridiculously gorgeous and vast so I switch it up and say lets grab a blanket and some ice cream and chill here. Once again, I planned the date, but at least he got a step forward in the whole original dating thing.
So we went to the park, talked, ate ice cream, sunbathed, and took a walk along a gravel path. Gentleman, this is what ladies want. Something sweet, unique, simple and fun. You do not have to shell out a thousand dollars or create an extravagant night. We want you to plan the evening and make it special for the two of us. Its not that hard people.
So I do believe in dating and I believe that the idea that it has been warped to benefit "The Man" is true. But I also believe that men have warped it to this state because they refuse to step out of the box and go the extra mile to plan an original date. As for going out to find a lady and the anxiety it instills on all parties, well this happens regardless of whether you are at a bookstore, Laundromat, or bar. It just happens that nightspots have a large concentration of it because it is random people out on the town for a good time and adventure.
"I see it (dating) as part of the racket called "the materials economy" but that i like to call "the bar-fashion-hookup industrial complex". like the military-industrial complex and the prison-industrial complex, it has wormed its way into what is otherwise a very natural process (channeling our attraction for/repulsion from each other, meeting needs for physical excitement and enjoyment, finding short- and long-term partnership, and even-- dare i believe it-- big love) and turned it into an overly staged and insecurity-inducing mechanism that's almost engineered to make money for various allied industries-- including media, alcohol, tobacco, drugs (legal and otherwise), real estate, music, and fashion-- while keeping you, your friends, and the guys who would otherwise date you isolated from each other via a concocted, maze-like complex of "dos-and-don'ts." the cruel irony is that it's not engineered for your and my desire, and especially not for black positionality; it's geared toward creating a place for concentrated moneymaking a distraction from really tough political choices. and, for my money, it leaves out the spontaneous-- the very stuff of love-- and the kind of stuff that we need for healing."
In layman's terms this means dating is something created by society that instead of helping us, hinder us, and gives money to "The Man".
I have to say I do agree with parts of this but at the same time I feel as if it is also an easy way to get out of the whole dating scheme. I agree that the whole, guy has to pay for dinner and movies shpeal has been created by the dating gods and at times can help the economy more than the couple at hand. Also, the nightlife scene gives everyone anxiety since they are facing a possible sea of rejection. But if we don't get together how do we get to know a guy? How do we know how much he is willing to give of himself to a lady? Actions speak louder than words and the dating scene has pushed men to do more than just talk about what they are about.
Women enjoy attention and spontaneity. If men actually took the time to PLAN something different for a date with ladies they would save money and see the woman's true colors.
For example, today, my dread locked friend invited me to hang out with him in Philly. Here's the dialogue:
Dreads: You wanna hang out?
Me: Sure, what are we going to do?
Dreads: "What do you want to do?"
Me: "I do not know Philly so you pick something." (I was also thinking in my head, "dummy you are the one that invited me to come hang out with you.")
Dreads: "Ummmm we can chill and watch a movie".
I enjoy movies but the hell I am going to some man's house just to "chill". The translation of that statement is "let me get in your pants". I do not take offense to it, because he is a man and had his first taste of my chocolaty goodness and wants to see how much farther he can actually get.
Me: Movies aren't really my thing. Can you think of something else because I do not know Philly.
Dreads: Let me think about it and Ill call you back.
(One Hour Later)
Dreads: Maybe we can go get something to eat.
Me: Its such a beautiful day out today maybe we can do something outside. ( I said this to hopefully get his brain juices working to find something else)
Dreads:OK
By the time I reach Philly, 40minutes later, he still has no idea what to do. I refuse to open my mouth, because I gave him a unique experience as written in my last piece. He then says we can run up the steps of The Art Museum a la Rocky. Yes! He finally gets it. I don't need you to spend money on me, I need you to spend a rich experience with me.
We hop in his car and head towards downtown. We pass by Fairmount Park which looks ridiculously gorgeous and vast so I switch it up and say lets grab a blanket and some ice cream and chill here. Once again, I planned the date, but at least he got a step forward in the whole original dating thing.
So we went to the park, talked, ate ice cream, sunbathed, and took a walk along a gravel path. Gentleman, this is what ladies want. Something sweet, unique, simple and fun. You do not have to shell out a thousand dollars or create an extravagant night. We want you to plan the evening and make it special for the two of us. Its not that hard people.
So I do believe in dating and I believe that the idea that it has been warped to benefit "The Man" is true. But I also believe that men have warped it to this state because they refuse to step out of the box and go the extra mile to plan an original date. As for going out to find a lady and the anxiety it instills on all parties, well this happens regardless of whether you are at a bookstore, Laundromat, or bar. It just happens that nightspots have a large concentration of it because it is random people out on the town for a good time and adventure.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)